What time are we upon and where do I belong?

4:42pm: Changing Seasons...
This will be my final entry using the account bele_nus. I realized that it was ludicrous to partition my life among three different journals based on whether or not I felt the subject matter would be appropriate for certain readers. My new journal, although not really new at all, is theseasons, which was originally used for random musings about religion and spirituality. Since religion and spirituality are ultimately becoming the forefront of my life now, it would be a travesty to keep theseasons on the back burner. I've deleted all the old entries and am beginning from a clean slate -- it should be good. By all means if you're still interested in keeping in touch with me then I will definitely accept your friend request.

I went to Chameleon Tattoo in Cambridge a few weeks ago and discussed my Tree of Life tattoo idea in detail with one of the artists there. He was helpful to a degree but I didn't feel as though we really connected. I went back yesterday and met with the female tattoo artist who works there and we clicked immediately. She was practically finishing my sentences by the end of the consultation and I am really confident about the final product. I'll be starting the tattoo next Friday (Sept. 14), and it will take approximately three three-hour sessions. My estimate is around $1500 for the entire job including the tip, talk about an investment! I am so excited.

And with that I depart!

1:33pm: Pasadena bitches.
Hello from Pasadena, MD.

It has been an amazing week staying with Jordan. The moment I saw his car pulling up to me at the airport I knew I was going to have the best time of my life; it was totally intuitive. He has been a very gracious host and a really great friend all week, I couldn't have met a better guy. It's for that reason that I am very upset to be leaving in a few days. On Sunday Vanessa will be driving back to Hadley House from North Carolina and she will be picking me up along the way. I know the road trip back home will be absolutely amazing (though maybe a bit somber), so at least I have one thing to look forward to in that respect.

Since I've arrived, Jordan and I have spent a lot of time hanging out with his friends, sightseeing, and maybe a bit too much shopping. I need to stop spending so much money! I reopened my industrial piercing a few days ago. The piercing was done by a very nice (and intimidating) man named Spanky. I am going back to see him today for another piercing. I'll post pictures once all is said and done.

We drive around town a lot and Jordan will point out all of these places and events from his past and it's all really amazing to hear. Whenever I drive around my hometown I become so overwhelmed with nostalgia, although oftentimes it's not a welcome feeling. I can never comprehend what it was like to grow up in Pasadena, but it really gave me a lot of insight on my own feelings toward my hometown. More on that later if I get around to it.

1:32pm: Traveling, tooku nara doko e demo...
Off to Baltimore until September 2, have a delightful week everyone, you know how to reach me!

10:32am: Wine & Cheese & Loreena
This past weekend was very surreal. When I drove to Emily's we decided to hike up to the top of a nearby mountain, and it was an amazing view from the top. That night we had a very classy wine and cheese party, smoked the hookah, and just talked about pretty much everything. I ended up driving home to Connecticut on Sunday to see my family and to spend some time with Allison. It was all really nice, and it helped get my mind off of how depressed I was. I didn't get back to Cambridge until really late Sunday night, but the detour to Connecticut was well worth it.

Somehow I managed to pull off an A- on the final exam, giving me an A- for the class (a.k.a., grades are so inflated it isn't even funny). I'm definitely not complaining though, it's definitely a load off my back not having to worry about my first grade at Harvard (and 8 credits at that) being really poor. I am definitely planning on continuing Latin, but I need to figure out how to make it work into the larger scheme of my academic future.

I'm flying to Baltimore on Friday to see Jordan. I'll be there for more than a week, which means that this week is my time to make sure I have all of my paper work taken care of and bills out of the way. I have to buckle down and make sure I'm not forgetting anything because there is no way I'm going to get it done in Baltimore.

Oh, and how could I possibly forget? Guess who owns 3rd row Loreena McKennitt tickets for her live in Providence, RI on October 20? Chris does! We're not going to talk about how I managed to procure them or how much I paid for them, because I refuse to allow reality to impinge on my relationship with Loreena. We're just going to say that they were free and I found them under my pillow one night. Don't you just love concert ticket fairies?

11:12am: Dawn
When Jordan and I stepped outside this morning something was very different in the air. I was already in a really bad place emotionally because we were on our way to the airport, but the energy outside snapped me out of it for a while. The way the sun was shining, the smell of the air, and the chilly breeze were all reminiscent of the fall. I remember thinking it was the perfect weather to usher in such a huge transition in my own life, and in the lives of many others who are coming and going today.

Latin is done. The test last night didn't go as well as I was hoping. Unfortunately, and to the detriment of my grade, when I went into the test I wasn't on good terms with life, and I am sure that will be reflected in my pitiable translation. There is nothing more I can do now, and I know that no matter the circumstances I deserve the grade I get.

And now I'm driving down to Amherst to see Emily for the weekend. I've cried on the couch for long enough, I might as well inflict my emotional baggage on someone else now, ;). I'm just glad to see that the sun is still shining today.

8:12am: It Felt Love
It's absolutely impossible to get any work done with so many convenient distractions!

Here is an amazing poem by the Sufi Master Hafiz.

It Felt Love

How
Did the rose
Ever open its heart

And give to this world
All its
Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being,

Otherwise,
We all remain

Too

Frightened.


That poem is from a book of Hafiz translations called The Gift by Daniel Ladinsky. Unfortunately I do not know Farsi, so I cannot really speak about the validity of the translations, but I've read through the book enough times and I am satisfied with the English. Although I am definitely going to make it a point to learn Farsi before I graduate!

8:37am: I gotta be a Love Dog

What weather is this,
that shakes and stirs
my heart and soul?

What tempest of love comes
with gusts of wind so strong
that I shall be overcome?

And after having been overcome,
what force dares disturb
my descent into stormy ecstasy?


Several months ago I was lamenting over the fact that I've spent so much time investing myself in just about everything but haven't really produced anything as a result. Since then I've really made some dramatic changes in my lifestyle and writing has found a place once again. My friend Emily told me that she tends to write when she feels her life is out of control -- I cannot agree with that sentiment more. My entire summer has consisted of seemingly nonstop writing. It quite literally keeps me sane.

I'm forcing Jordan to borrow one of my books on Rumi. I sincerely hope that he will enjoy Rumi as much as I do. He is truly an inspiration for my own connection with the Gods. Rumi wrote of ecstatic love for God that transcends all doctrine, time and space. I ask myself, "why should one's love for the Gods be anything less than unbridled obsession?" I suppose that makes me a mystic at heart, but I would be proud to walk that path. There can be no greater love and no greater inspiration than that which arises from the most devoted longing for the Divine.

9:48am: Laudetur Jesus Christus!
My experience translating Christian hymns and other rites has opened my eyes to the disparity between the original Latin texts and their respective English translations. While I understand the desire to maintain the integrity of the piece with respect to its meter and rhythm, I can't help but feel like the universally accepted English translations are extremely verbose. There is something about the simplicity of the original Latin that, at least for me, evokes a much deeper meaning. Keep in mind that I am writing this as a Pagan, so I am well aware that in my ignorance of the Christian faith there is plenty of meaning lost on me already; however, I've realized that if I were a Christian, learning Latin would be an absolute priority for me simply for the deeper connection to my faith that it provides.

Back to translatinggggg....

10:58am: Tattoo time bitches~!
So instead of working this morning like I told myself I would, I decided that I would design the tattoo that I wanted instead. This involved making my camera take a decent picture of my back and lots of hunting around for images and playing with GIMP for two straight hours. Talk about a waste of time! The image I've created is very nice though, although it's a VERY rough sketch of what the tattoo will actually look like. I just needed this as a frame of reference to give to the tattoo artist so they know exactly what I want. Tell me what you think!

9:31am: Do ya?
God sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you?

You make pretty daisies pretty daisies,
Love I gotta find what you're doing about things
Here a few witches burning
Gets a little toasty here
I gotta find why you always go when the wind blows.

//Tori Amos -- God


Jordan and I watched the movie Party Monster last night. I absolutely loved it. Marilyn Manson plays a strung out drag queen named Christina Superstar and I was very very excited when I found out he was in the movie. Drag queens really aren't my type but he's a damn hot drag queen, I'd totally tap that. The costumes in the movie were phenomenal, of course.

Yesterday I managed to fall asleep at work in the back room. Thank god no one came back there for that ten minutes otherwise I would have been horribly embarrassed. I usually drive Jordan back to his dorm at 7:30 everyday, and that gives me three solid hours of free time that I can dedicate to Latin (because we all know my ass doesn't get the work done at night), but it's already 9:30 and I haven't done anything. FUCK.

All of this hard work makes me think it's time for a cigarette break, harhar.

11:35am: Veni Vidi Vici
Where to start...?

I somehow managed to pull off an A- on my midterm. I almost burst out crying when I found out because I had psyched myself out so much that I hadn't been eating for days. I won't be so lucky for the final, and for that reason I really have to work hard the next few weeks to make sure that I am not cramming everything during the few nights before the test. The final is a three-hour translation of what will probably be some esoteric biblical exegesis I'm sure. The last translation we had to do was a homily on the Gospel of John analyzing the role of the two angels that appeared at Jesus' death and how they symbolically represented the two Testaments (boring). Jesus is totally my homeboy, I think he's absolutely amazing, but unfortunately his followers put me to sleep.

I attended Merry Meet, the Pagan Interfaith conference at UMass. I was really only present for the first day, the leadership institute, and it was really amazing. There were quite a few people there and the day consisted of lectures in the morning and then group discussion in the afternoon. I saw many familiar faces and was also given the chance to finally meet in person all of these great authors and activists who I've been reading about for so long. I spoke with Michael York for a short time and told him that I really enjoyed Pagan Theology; however, I must say that I was underwhelmed by him in person. I suppose that's the downfall of many academics, they are often only fierce with a pen. Macha NightMare was there and she was very nice to speak with. If I am correct, Margot Adler is at the conference right now lecturing just as I type this entry; unfortunately I did not stay long enough to have a chance to meet her, though it would certainly be an amazing experience.

The conference was a taste of the real world. I had a temporary crisis of life while I was there. This is my first exposure to inter/intra-faith work and ultimately I can't decide if my path in life lies in activism or academia. They often go hand in hand and as I've thought about it I've realized that I can probably find some kind of balance between the two. However, even saying that, all of these plans are very tentative. I may just as easily discover down the road that all of this isn't for me, though ideally that won't happen because my ass does not have the funds to bounce around from school to school until I can figure out what the heck to do with myself.

7:13am: Merry Meet and Merry Part, and Merry Meet again...
Hooray for the Pagans -- I will be attending Merry Meet 2007, a Pagan conference taking place at UMass (hippyville) on Thursday and Friday. It will be a welcome break from the routine I have up here in Cambridge, although I will certainly miss that beautiful someone while I'm gone. It's also nice because I won't be in Latin class on Friday (presumably) and considering that we're getting our midterm grades back today I am almost 100% sure that after that I probably won't ever want to go back.

The conference itself lasts all weekend, but Thursday is the most important day because I will be taking part in the Leadership Institute program which is designed to help Pagans develop leadership and clergy skills through multifaith discussion and other workshops. It should be really interesting. Ellen Hopman will be presenting, which is exciting, as well as Michael York, author of Pagan Theology.

Harvard reminds its students that they strive to cultivate academic leaders in their respective fields, no pressure or anything! I have had no exposure to the Pagan community at Harvard, but I am well aware of how small it is. At the Harvard open house, the Divinity School staff kept reiterating that they were really seeking religious diversity and that although certain groups were small they were not marginalized. I hope this proves to be true, although if it is that means that the few Pagan scholars that do exist out there are going to have a stronger voice individually. It's for this reason that the leadership institute sounds like a really good idea to me. I kind of just threw myself into this whole Divinity School situation and so it's really important that I get some formal training and at least make it seem like I know what I'm talking about. ;)

I made a decision a long time ago to become a force to be reckoned with, I feel as though opportunities like Merry Meet and the Divinity School will steer me in that direction.

Watch out Western Mass., here come the crazy Pagans!

7:52am: Oh it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.
My Latin midterm is today -- very not cool. I spent about eight hours a day studying this weekend but it's still not enough. There was a take home translation that was exceedingly difficult and, by my standards, translated very awkwardly. I hope that my professor is a lenient grader because otherwise I'm in for a series of bad grades.

If I fail miserably there will still be reason to celebrate: today Emily comes back from France and it also happens to be Nick's birthday. Chances are we'll all go out tonight and (hopefully) get plastered. Then again, just having the test over with and out of my life will be enough reason for me to celebrate I suppose.

I woke up to an amazing thunderstorm this morning. I also had a beautiful someone peacefully sleeping next to me, and that's always nice to wake up to. There was a strong energy in the air and I could feel it even before I opened my eyes. The storm has since passed but I can still feel it, and I think it's what helped me get up this morning.

And now it's really important that I study -- here's hoping for a B!

10:00am: Sweet Clarity
That brief moment of clarity that comes and goes.. where does it come from and where does it go? How can I learn to embrace such an ideal virtue in everything I do?

10:59am: What time are we upon and where do I belong?
Francesca Lia Block fans will be able to appreciate this for sure.

On the winter solstice I will be the proud owner of a gorgeous tree of life tattoo on my back. However, that tattoo is still in the works because it has to be absolutely perfect. In the meantime, I've found a great deal of inspiration in Witch Baby's famous quote, "what time are we upon and where do I belong?" Witch Baby and the Dangerous Angels series have had a tremendous effect on me in this life, and although the books are considered to be of the young adult genre, I would argue to the death that Block's books transcend the generational gap.

'What time are we upon and where do I belong' has such a profound meaning, even outside the context of the book. It's an outcry from the depths of alienation, it's a veritable encouragement to do some soul searching, and it's a testament to the fact that we must explore even the darkest side of this life, and the darkest side of our own nature, in order that we may emerge as stronger individuals.

I reread what I've typed so far and I can't help but reminisce about my high school English classes -- there was a lot of 'who am I?' going on during that time in my life, and it was also around that time that I read Weetzie Bat, Witch Baby, and the Dangerous Angels series; however, I've reached a crossroads in my life where I'm putting a lot of energy back into figuring out who I am and what I am becoming.

It's for these reasons that I have been seriously thinking of tattooing the quote somewhere on my body. It's just a short string of words, but it says so much about me (more than can be written in this journal), and it reads like poetry to me. I would go as far to say that there is even something strangely arcane about it, as if the words had been spoken for generations before.

Now if I could just figure out where to put it... ;)

8:59am: When will my Latin homework get done?
My roommate and I have had several visitors staying with us at the apartment all month, it has been absolutely insane. I've had a lot of fun, and plenty of bad times as well, and it has proven to be a detriment to my Latin grades because I've been spending so much time with everyone else rather than doing work. Needless to say, all that has finally ended and it certainly feels like the end of an era. The apartment is quiet again, and life returns to 'normal'. I appreciate that so many people came to see me, and I hope that the next time I see them I'm in a much better place emotionally, mentally, and physically.

A few weeks ago I definitely posted something along the lines of "un-fucking-believable," and then disappeared without an explanation. I feel like I have time to collect my thoughts again so let's see how well I can articulate myself at 8:30 AM.

I met an amazing guy a few weeks ago who has turned my world completely upside down. Everything I thought I knew about myself has been called into question because of our relationship. For the first time in a long time I'm no longer the observer, I'm actually playing the game. And although I thought that so much experience dealing with crazy people in love would give me the upper hand in future relationships, all of that has been thrown out the window. I built my tower up so high, so pretentiously high, only to watch it crash down, and the Tower certainly fits the bill.

As the Fool leaves the throne of the Goat God, he comes upon a Tower, fantastic, magnificent, and familiar. In fact, The Fool, himself, helped build this Tower back when the most important thing to him was making his mark on the world and proving himself better than other men. Inside the Tower, at the top, arrogant men still live, convinced of their rightness. Seeing the Tower again, the Fool feels as if lightning has just flashed across his mind; he thought he'd left that old self behind when he started on this spiritual journey. But he realizes now that he hasn't. He's been seeing himself, like the Tower, like the men inside, as alone and singular and superior, when in fact, he is no such thing. So captured is he by the shock of this insight, that he opens his mouth and releases a SHOUT! And to his astonishment and terror, as if the shout has taken form, a bolt of actual lightning slashes down from the heavens, striking the Tower and sending its residents leaping out into the waters below.

In a moment, it is over. The Tower is rubble, only rocks remaining. Stunned and shaken to the core, the Fool experiences grief, profound fear and disbelief. But also, a strange clarity of vision, as if his inner eye has finally opened. He tore down his resistance to change and sacrifice (Hanged man), then broke free of his fear and preconceptions of death (Death); he dissolved his belief that opposites cannot be merged (Temperance) and shattered the chains of ambition and desire (The Devil). But here and now, he has done what was hardest: destroyed the lies he held about himself. What's left is the bare, absolute truth. On this he can rebuild his soul.


I am not exactly sure how to define our relationship. Unfortunately, he is only in Cambridge for the summer taking a Greek course (he is from Maryland but goes to school at Stanford in California). Because of that there is a sense of urgency that I feel towards the relationship; it's a feeling that time cannot be wasted, and that I need to be with him as much as I possibly can before I can't see him anymore. I don't know how he feels about maintaining a long distance relationship, especially considering how far away we'll be. From my perspective, I would definitely do it no questions asked. I say that because I look at him and I think to myself, 'he's worth it.' I don't know if that feeling is mutual, but if it ends up being so then I had better invest in a frequent flier miles card ;)

12:54am: Un-fucking-believable.

11:15am: Kate Nash
My friend introduced me to Kate Nash last night, http://youtube.com/watch?v=orACIBjHuI4. I am absolutely obsessed.

11:59pm: Small update
Graduation has come and gone, I'm now a college graduate, woo!
I've since moved to Cambridge into my new apartment. My roommate is amazing, more to come on that later when I'm not drunk and tired!

I'll be taking a Christian Latin class this summer, it starts June 25.

1:38am: Pan's Labyrinth
I can't express enough how much I enjoy the film Pan's Labyrinth. Although I certainly did a good job freaking out my roommates when I told them that I had a secret crush on Pan. ;)

1:20pm: Last Assignment
I handed in the last assignment I will have at UMass last night. It was a paper for my Celtic Paganism independent study, and the topic was the syncretism of solar gods in the Romano-Celtic world. I am elated that it was my last assignment, but more importantly I am glad that the final paper I wrote for UMass not only pertains to what I will be studying in graduate school, but also to my faith.

It's hard to believe that it's almost over, graduation is next Saturday.

10:49pm: Thanks
You will not see this, but that is ok.

Thank you for calling me tonight, you made me feel like a capable human being again. From now on, I will try my best to make sure your praise is not lost on me.

11:44am: Story
Finally some time to sit and collect my thoughts!

I attended the accepted students orientation at Harvard on Tuesday. It brought back memories of when I first enrolled at UMass, although I distinctly remember the UMass orientation being very unpleasant. I had never really seen Harvard or its Divinity School for that matter, so it was definitely a nice surprise. I had a good time and I got to stay with a dear friend who I haven't seen in ages. Still, Boston is such a crazy place -- I've said it before and I'll say it again, I hate cities. Living out in the country is where I want to be, no exceptions. I am not sure how long I will be at Harvard, but no matter what I will have to learn to grin and bear it until I graduate and become financially independent (assuming that ever happens in the first place).

Last night, Jenn and I sat outside on the front porch for almost an hour just listening. There were packs of coyotes hunting in the forest nearby; it is really incredible to just sit and listen to how vibrant and awake the world is even when humanity sleeps. I promised myself that I would take time out of each day to sit and listen, something I should have been doing all along.

Classes are going well for the most part, my Buddhist Ethics class is particularly engaging. The bane and benefit of religion courses is that it brings you face to face with your own faith within the context of your own tradition and the tradition that you're studying. Everyday I have all kinds of insightful ideas after class that I mean to write down, but the moment I sit down to write it suddenly I can't articulate myself. I think from now on I will learn to write things down.

5:47pm: YAY!
I am terrible at updating my livejournal during the school year.

Yesterday I found out that my application to Yale was rejected. Today I found out that my application to Harvard was accepted!

That's all for now!

YAY!

3:41pm: Restless Spirits
My applications for Graduate School are due very soon; however, two of my professors have yet to complete my recommendations and they have been very elusive lately. I have sent several e-mails already and it's becoming increasingly redundant. I even left messages with their secretaries! Luckily, my schedule for the spring semester is really open, as I only have class Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have a strange feeling that I'm going to have to hunt these professors down when school starts again and drive up to Boston and down to New Haven myself just to make sure that the applications get in on time. Talk about a road trip!

Needless to say, I really can't stress myself out about things that are beyond my control right now. I will make things work one way or another, even if I have to call out of work and drive all over New England.

I own a new Dell Inspiron now. It was sent to me as a replacement for my old Dell Inspiron which was still under warranty -- yes, the Dell that I bought almost four years ago. Technology has improved quite a bit since that time so old Inspirons are no longer manufactured anymore. Therefore the company was forced to send me a much newer computer. It's got a huge screen and it's double the speed of my old one, good deal. I am still a Mac-aholic though and I don't plan on changing that any time soon, even if this computer is faster than my iBook.

I created a website several months ago called Sacred Oak, located at www.sacredoak.net. I use my sacredoak account for e-mail mainly, and I haven't sat myself down to design even basic framework for the website. I am hoping to begin that process soon. The vacation has prompted me to indulge in every book on Paganism that I can find, which has opened a floodgate of inspiration. Unfortunately for me, channeling that energy into creating something as time-consuming as a website is going to be difficult.